Welcome to Buenos Aires: Now Take Your Pants Off!

26 Jun 2009 Posted by Ryan Flynn in Humor, Travel, Culture

dogs.jpgOur group of “virile young males” after landing in Buenos Aires

I wanted to take a break from being a poor and struggling performer in LA, so I went to Buenos Aires. That makes a lot of sense, right?  Spend more money to challenge your lack there of? I guess it goes beyond that though; my college friend rode his bicycle from the top of Columbia to Buenos Aires, so all my ex-pat friends and I thought we should meet up in Argentina and celebrate the fact that he didn’t fall off a mountain or get kidnapped. Also steadily approaching our mid-thirties, it could potentially be our last hoorah before we all lock down, get married, pop out kids, and basically end our lives as we know it. Terrifying.

halfsize.jpg The art of Argentinean Seduction!

So let’s get this one out of the way: you may have heard rumors that Buenos Aires is filled with salacious beauties that whistle and make kissy noises at boys when they walk by, and yes this is true.  (Unless you’re my very understanding and beautiful girlfriend and you happen to be reading this, in that case, dear, they are not really that gorgeous, and who likes girls who throw themselves at you anyways?)

But yes, back to the legendary Argentinean women. My first encounter with such a being was my seat neighbor on my flight down to Buenos Aires. Now, normally when I travel, I am used to sitting next to someone who has not caught onto the whole deodorant craze yet.  So, when one of these mythical sex beasts sits next to me, instead of a sweaty middle-aged man with a penchant for snoring? I’m little thrown off. “Do you have a girlfriend?” She asks coyly, before even saying hello.

“Yes,” I say honestly. “Do you love her?” she asks. What is with this inquisition?! I think to myself. “Yes,” I say again, without hesitation. “You shouldn’t go to Buenos Aires then; the girls there don’t care if you have a girlfriend, and they are impossible to resist.”  I then joke that I’m a eunuch as a result of a tragic motorcycle accident. She smiles, “the girls in Buenos Aires will think that is cool,” she retorts, “they will still want to have sex with you somehow; they will figure out a way.” Needless to say, when I stepped off the plane, I was a little scared for my relationship. And seeing what recently happened to South Carolina’s Governor Sanford, it’s no surprise. Luckily, I was traveling with a pack of virile young males who were able to intercept any de-pantsing attacks.

halfsize4-fullversion.jpg Even McDonald’s runs on sex in Buenos Aires.

Just off the plane, I couldn’t help but notice that Buenos Aires felt a lot like L.A; not just in weather, but also in superficiality.  Upon arriving, one of the locals told me, “the main difference between here and LA is that in LA girls range from a 1 to a 10… in Buenos Aires the scale starts at 5.” Which is, while one of the shallowest things I’ve ever heard, fairly accurate (but it’s more around 6.5.) “We send all our ugly people to Uruguay,” another local claimed.   Speaking with “the natives” , it seemed they look down on every part of South America that is not Buenos Aires.  They spoke and acted as if they lived in Europe and were not, in fact, part of the same continent as the neighboring train wrecks that call themselves countries.  When they travel, they go to Europe, not Brazil, not Chile,; they’re off to France and Italy, London. Hmm, from what I’ve gathered Buenos Aires might be in the middle of an identity crisis.

flux0110.jpgThe beauty of concrete and soul

So did I succeed in maintaining the sanctity of my caring long-term relationship?  That really depends on your definition of cheating. I have never heard what the rulebook says about HJ’s, just kidding! I was angelic . . . I didn’t sleep with anyone, and yet because my friends slept with everything but the doorknobs, I feel I should get tested.   Somehow, in the many years we’ve been apart, my friends have mastered a fail-proof system of picking up women, and take it from me, as someone who’s had my share of addictions; these guys are addicted to the hunt. As gross as that is for you ladies to read, I can’t complain, I got a free tour of the city everyday by a different set of attractive ladies, so I was more than fine with my friend’s issues… at least on an economic level.   I also turned out to be a key ingredient in my friend’s method. They would always ditch me with the grenades, so I came in real handy.  It was good to be part of the team again.

halfsize3.jpgAh, the innocence of youth! The girls we went for were older than this, I promise…

But enough about that, lets get to the city itself. The second day there, as I looked around Canitas Palermo, where my friends got an apartment, and couldn’t help but feel like we were in the “Melrose” of Buenos Aires. Besides the over-abundance of steakhouses and people drinking Mate, it legitimately felt like I never left L.A.  Beautiful people, perfect weather and trashy behavior!  I was like, shit, I just blew every cent I had to fly 15 hours to Spanish version of LA! Wait. . .most of LA speaks Spanish. . .I haven’t gone anywhere! 

flux0148.jpgMe in thirty years.

However, when we went out that night, I finally saw the real difference; we ate dinner at 10, pre-gamed until 2, made it out to the clubs by 3, danced until 7, and then went to an after hours until 9—and even though the clubs we went to were “scenester” joints, they lacked the pretension of the LA hipster crowd; the people were just going nuts.  Up until that point, I’d actually forgotten that it’s fun to go out and dance; in LA, I’m over it, and rarely ever have fun going out, but in Buenos Aires, I met so many amazing people, that I’ve even kept in contact with now that I’m back.  Yet while the nightlife was revitalizing in the mental sense, after two of those in a row, I truly began to feel my 31 years of age, and so did my friends.  So what do you do when your vacation is getting too draining? Take a vacation from your vacation! To Uruguay!

flux0139.jpgThe other, less threatening attraction of Buenos Aires…the landscape.

4 Comments

One of the 1st things I couldn’t believe is that in Provincia (not the city) the female gas station attendants wear really tight fitting pants, that are quite accentuating to say the least. I want to do a calander with shots of them with the various brands of gas. They all wear the respective gas station colors in uniform.
I never thought getting gas would be such an interesting experience!
Fred

The mixture of cultures makes Argentina such a perfect country. Palermo can be a little posh, but I stayed in an apartment in Palermo which was near the down town so it worked for me.
I hope I can go back, I miss Tango!
Regards,
Rachel

Hey! It’s really good to read something like this about my country! I’m laughing because I know that everything you’ve said is 100% TRUE (even the worst things, like our identity crisis…) If you want to meet argentinian people, we can chat whenever u want! ( and I’m not like the girl in the plane hahaha) I have a boyfriend also, but I’m really really glad to see what you wrote =)

This is very interesting. There are articles all over the internet that warn about Argentine girls as being prude, narcissistic and arrogant. NOT MY WORDS, I am just re-iterating what I have read over the internet. So I was wondering if you are your friends resemble some hot Hollywood actors in anyway?

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